It's not always about the kids

I started this blog as a way for my family members to stay updated and see pictures of my rapidly growing kids. I did movie reviews for a while (lame), posted about going out with "friends" (even more lame) and I still do recipes even though I'm pretty sure no one cares but me ;)I feel like I should take my turn and update about my self every now and again, share random thoughts and talk about something other than just "the kids". I may never do this again, since I tend to be a private person, but I can always delete it later, right? ;)

I miss my grandma today. My mom's mom ... I miss her. She died when I was 8 or 9 and today I miss her. She collected EVERYTHING. Gnomes, ornaments, plates, and cards off of gifts she received. You know those little rectangle cards that say to & from so-and-so ... she collected those. I remember each of her houses and hearing the screen door swing shut. I remember playing cards with her and sharing a shredded chicken and sprout sandwich, washing it down with Kefir milk and "treating" myself to a malt tab from her pantry. I still eat my sandwiches with sprouts (and converted my husband to do the same) and I still drink Kefir milk because of her. I would eat malt tabs, but I don't know where you even get them anymore. She was fun. She let us play with all her costume jewelry. I remember playing in the snow in her backyard. I remember how sweet she was. She never raised her voice and was never mean to me. I wish she could have met my kids. They would have loved her and missed her, too.

I hate when people flippantly say,"I'm doing the best I can." Really? Really?! Are you really? I think most of the time people are just doing what they do, but not their best. It takes lot of effort to actually do the best you can and I don't think people care enough enough of the time to actually do their best.

I feel guilt. Mom guilt. Wife guilt ... I feel that all the time. Like I'm not doing enough or something. Spinning my wheels. My kids are happy and thriving and my husband appreciates me so I know the pressure I feel is self inflicted. I feel like all I can do right now to keep up with life is to be two steps behind. Anything I do to prepare for the next day seems to just make room for more stuff to get done. I guess that just comes with the territory these days. I worry constantly. Constantly. I worry about Devon falling down and hurting himself and breaking his arm or worse. I guess that comes with the territory, too.

I gained 31 pounds when I was pregnant with Audrey. I hired a trainer for a month and I still have 13 to go and it SUCKS! Loosing weight sucks. Carrying around extra weight sucks even more. I have friends who just loose the weight no problem and I feel like I am slugging it out at the gym. I don't want to be thin ... I want to be fit! Yeah, I could just not eat and loose weight, but that's not healthy so what's the point?!?! Do you know a skinny fat person? I do. They're the kind of people who don't work out, don't eat much or eat poorly, but are skinny anyway. In fact, they brag about NOT working out. Skinny fat person. I don't want to be a skinny fat person because that's not healthy. I do want to be skinny so I guess I just have to keep slugging it out at the gym.

I'm cranky today, can you tell? ;) My car didn't pass emissions (for the 2nd time) and it is getting worked on at the mechanic. We are at home all day. It's one thing to choose to stay home, but it's another to HAVE no choice.

In spite of being home all day the main upside is I get true, uninterrupted time with each child separately. When we go out it is nice to do something different, but sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to get through it without anything "going wrong" instead of enjoying it. Or, I try so hard to get Devon to try something new (that he hates) he doesn't have as much fun as I hoped he would and all the work it took to go out feels like a waste. I love it that he would rather stay home playing cars with Mama than go somewhere. He's a pretty laid back kid when it comes to that sort of thing. When we're home I can relax a bit more. I don't have to wear make up or get dressed up. It's a lot of work to pull myself together and quite frankly, sometimes I just don't feel like doing it. I get to watch Devon and his pretend play with cars and trucks. I get to watch Audrey smile and coo. It's nice. I'm lucky to be someone who enjoys being home more than going out.

Xox,
a.